


Professional Screwball

by NeoDiji



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Adult Humor, Crack, Crack Pairings, F/M, Language, M/M, Multi, NSFW, Not to be taken seriously, Offensive Humor, Prostitution, Read at Your Own Risk, Sex, Tamaki - Freeform, Tamaki finally finds his true calling, crack humor, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-10-16 13:59:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10572738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeoDiji/pseuds/NeoDiji
Summary: "All tasks at hand have been cleared. Congratulations, Tamaki, you are now the new official Black Knights Male Escort™."Or, Zero finally grants Tamaki an appropriate official position within the Order of the Black Knights.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own nor make any profit off of Code Geass. After reading this mess, you'll be glad I don't. 8D
> 
> CAUTION: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not responsible for poor health effects (including mental health effects) and scarring that may result from the consumption of this crack(fic). That is all.
> 
> Het and homo sex references. Crack pairings.

“It has come to my attention that there is a certain _need_ in the Black Knights that is going unfulfilled,” Zero began, his masked face tilted towards Tamaki while C.C. hovered behind his shoulder. He paused for a long moment, letting his words sink in. His personal quarters were mostly bare, providing no distraction from the awkward tension pressing on the room.

Tamaki was just glad that this private, urgent meeting didn’t seem to be about the Black Knights’ missing funds he’d bamboozled for prostitutes. He didn’t need a repeat of the “fancy dinners” incident from the beginning of their alliance, when Zero had first removed him from financial duties because of “irresponsibility with money allocation.” No, that was best long forgotten. Good thing Zero was his best buddy now, though, just in case. Tamaki prayed Zero remembered that this time.

Clearing his throat, Zero continued calmly, “By addressing this concern, I predict that morale and productivity will increase just over 61 percent for the entire organization.” He folded his hands and leaned forward, as if he was about to share a conspiracy. “I overheard Kallen sharing about your rather evident talent in this area, so I was hoping to verify for myself how accurate her opinion is before we move things to the next stage.” A door slammed from down the hall, but neither the Black Knights leader nor his kept woman gave any indication that they’d heard or cared.

Tamaki blinked. The lights flickered.

Zero sighed and elaborated. “I’m interviewing you for another formal position within the Black Knights. A spot just opened up based on demand, and considering how your interests and abilities align, I think you’d be the perfect fit.” Shifting in his chair, he said, “However, I need you to demonstrate your skill before I grant you a proper title. Show me some hands-on proof that you deserve this honor.”

Tamaki was shocked but only too happy to show off when he got to fuck Zero’s _mistress_ into Zero’s _bed_ while Zero observed silently from a corner and took notes. C.C.’s moans dripped from her lips as filthily wet as the abundant juices streaming from between her legs, and her face twisted with more expression than Tamaki had ever seen on it—which was easy, because any emotion at all was higher than zero. He’d put that there. Tamaki had done it; he was _the man_. He had fucked _feeling_ into that apathetic—

“Eh, passable,” C.C. rated him afterwards with a minor shrug, looking over at their leader with her usual bored expression.

Tamaki’s jaw dropped with indignation. “’Passable’?!” he echoed with outrage, his wounded pride on full display.

“Trust me, that’s a high compliment,” Zero rushed to assure him. He pointed melodramatically at the green-haired woman before amending, “Coming from her.”

“’Coming,’” C.C. interjected with a snicker. She seemed unconcerned with her circumstances, like public sex with whom she called male chauvinistic pigs like Tamaki was just routine. Maybe it was.

Tamaki couldn’t help but be impressed despite himself.

Cocking his head to the side, Zero pointedly disregarded C.C. and wondered, “Tamaki, can you perform this expertise for both men and women?”

“My dick will plunder any hole!” Tamaki assured his leader eagerly, stroking his cock as high as his ego.

“I was just thinking of our male members,” Zero said hastily, jotting down Tamaki’s answer in his notebook. The scritch of his pen was loud in the otherwise silent room.

C.C. snorted unashamedly from the bed. “Male _members_ ,” she stage-whispered. “How appropriate.”

“Then I think everything is in order,” Zero said, a bit stiffly as he ignored her childish comments. “All tasks at hand have been cleared. Congratulations, Tamaki, you are now the new _official_ Black Knights Male Escort™.”

“What’s that?” Tamaki asked, his face wrinkling with confusion. A deep sense of pride and satisfaction with his important position mixed with cluelessness over what it meant.

At least Zero had a way with words, if his penchant for flamboyant speeches was anything to go by. “You’re the Black Knights sanctioned tramp,” Zero tried again, unsuccessfully. Half-hearted gestures accompanied his answers, as if even he was out of his depth. “The head of the newly-established Black Knights concubine.”

At Tamaki’s blank look, C.C. finally chimed in, “You’re the Black Knights Go-To Man Whore.”

“Oh,” Tamaki said, processing his new role. Then he grinned wildly. This was _much_ better than being in charge of the Second Special Squadron or the Internal Cleaning Support. “Fuck yeah!” Tamaki cheered, banging his fingers like guns.

“That’s the idea,” Zero agreed dryly. “Ahem, how soon can you get it up?”

Springing to his feet, Tamaki spread his arms as wide open as he always spread his legs. “I’m always raring to go!” Tamaki said excitedly, his dick twitching with anticipation. “Zero, you—”

“While I already approved you for this new title,” Zero said, cutting his organization’s new formal horndog off mid-splutter, “the rest of the inner circle will want to experience for themselves just why you are worthy of it.” Taking out his phone, he called his Deputy Commander. “Ohgi, I have an important new mission for you. Come be the first to try out—” After a beat of silence, Zero added, “I heard that. Tell Diethard not to worry; it will be his turn right after.”

Tamaki paled. Boning a Brit should _not_ be in his job description. “Fucking fuck,” he grumbled, pulling at his bandana with severe irritation.

C.C. smiled almost sweetly. “You are,” she said. “You fucking fuck.”

“Officially,” Zero added, a smirk present in his authoritatively echoing voice as he ended the call. “You know how I always say ‘don’t screw it up’? Well now, Tamaki, go screw it up. Go do it!”

Rubbing his hands together in anticipatory glee, Tamaki cackled. For the first time, he felt he truly belonged as a Black Knights contributing member, as someone significant and essential instead of the comic relief he’d been reduced to over the course of Zero’s operations. He literally couldn’t wait to let his cock-and-balls inspire the Black Knights to victory and Japan’s freedom.

Tamaki couldn’t wait to _screw it up BIGTIME_.


End file.
